Note: this post was written several years ago, I keep it here to honor the memory of my nephew and because we can always use reminders to cherish our children and extend our kindness to those suffering from loss.
One year ago today my dear nephew Brad died. It was a terrible shock and loss and we all miss him.
Only 25, happy, he was always ready with a joke or quip, and just ready to soar with his music, his psychology degree and volunteering.
It was a tragedy for him, his dad and mom, other relatives and the many, many lives that he touched.
I woke up in the wee hours, unable to sleep, thinking about Brad and the great loss.
I also thought about all the gifts he had given in his short sojourn here, and a gift he has given me in relating to my son now, since Brad is gone.
One of my favorite memories is a Christmas gathering, when the boys were teens and Grandma Dot was visiting from New Jersey.
Brad was into music and started performing. Not to be left out, Dale got out his sax and asked if they could improvise and play together. Brad was game, and they tried to play together. It was a bit bumpy at first -but quickly gelled as they found a rhythm and togetherness that they didn’t often find since their personalities were so different. 6 years older than Dale, Brad was usually patient, but sometimes you could see his patience wearing thin.
As they were getting their groove, they noticed Grandma Dot wanted to be included. The boys brought Grandma Dot in on the piano and shakers. It was so great to see them connecting through music and silliness, and just going for it without worrying about the outcome. It was a gift.
In the past year, many people have asked me, often horrified, how I am coping with my son’s decision to drop out of college. I realized that some of my ease about my son’s journey relates to what I learned from my brother and losing my nephew.
- Acceptance.
- Appreciation
- Perspective.
My son is alive and well, happy and pursuing his dreams. He is trying to solve a problem in the world. He cares about people and is self-confident. How could I not be overjoyed and supportive?
So, in memory of Brad, please:
- If you have children love them unconditionally and accept them and support them in following their dreams.
- If you know someone who has lost a child, reach out, tell them something wonderful you remember about their child or their parental interaction. Listen if they want or need to talk. Send a photo or card with a memory. Share the pain for a moment, or gladden their hearts for a moment.
- Smile, tell a joke, laugh, and pass it on.
Hi, Aaron. Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m so sorry for your tragic loss, and at such a young age. I agree community and connection are so important for support for life’s ups and downs. Miss having you and your family just a few steps away down the street. Pierre and I are hoping to start connecting again after our years of caregiving, maybe we can see you this summer! Xxoo
Mahalo nui loa (thank you very much) for sharing this personal story. My older brother Brett’s journey on this beautiful earth ended when he was just 13 years old (after a tragic accident delivering newspapers near our neighborhood). At only 10 years old, it was the most horrible thing I had ever experienced. It is still one of my saddest memories. Thanks to good people, (just like the Nalbone Ohana), wonderful friends and family . . . and even strangers or people we barely knew . . . my family was able to grieve and cope with our loss. Positive human connection is so important to help each of us along the way in this very bumpy road of life. Too many people are afraid to speak about their own grief and sadness, but it is so helpful to all parties involved. Thanks for starting a great conversation. . . . and sharing about Brad. Although I never met him . . . you’ve shared a little bit of his light with each of us! Much love!
Thank you, Sue. I appreciate your kind thoughts and wisdom. Thank you so much for adding your voice here.
Sending love your way, Lisa.
We just never know what kinds of things will have the biggest impact on us as we wade through life – and especially in parenting. My brother died one month before he turned 25. It just reminded me that life is fragile. And time is limited. And there’s just no certainty out there. So the best thing you can do is live in the present and love those around you – every day that you have the opportunity to do so.
{{{hugs to you and all who are missing your nephew}}}
Beautifully put, Lisa. We need to appreciate all this life has to offer…every minute of it… and everyone we hold dear..let them know how much we care and how much they mean to us …(:
My memories of Brad are from his east coast visit also. We had never met him in person. That changed real fast! He was to stay a few days but we all got along so well and had so much fun it stretched into a week. My girls had found a long lost big brother! I had another kid to feed and I love to cook so that was great. We laughed ,we sang, we ate, visited parks, took pix, braided hair (!!) and shared stories of our life experiences before we had the good fortune to meet. Brad was full of joy ,an absolute pleasure to be around….we love n miss him, too!
Jeff, thanks for adding to the story.
Brad was most definitely one of those few types of people that never let anything get them down nor get in their way of feeling and providing joy to all around him in various ways. Whether he was performing music or doing acrobatics on the trampoline he could have you delighted and inspired in minutes. Always joking, witty, and intelligent he really just had a calming nature and a great heart.
My best memory was his east coast visit when we got together and went flying in a helicopter. He brought along a digital camera for capturing the flight experience and to watch the video he took that day you can immediately see his personality and thought process even when sitting by himself always thinking of making others laugh in the future when they would see the end result.
Aside from that memory I really cannot get over how when he was about 9 years old he and my brother came to visit us to see our newborn daughter. His jovial character shined that day for sure and I just cant believe how much my son now resembles and mimics the same moves and characteristics of Brad’s from that day. So I guess I not only have the memories of Brad himself but now he seems to have passed on his good nature and comic behavior to my youngest!
We Love you Brad and miss you!!
Thanks for your support, Suzie and Priscilla.
This brought tears to my eyes. It’s so easy to lose perspective–thanks for the reminder to keep looking at the bigger picture.
Thank you for writing this lovely memory of your nephew!